THE TRUTH IS

I haven’t gotten over my father’s death.

I haven’t watched P. Ramlee’s movies because they remind me of abah. I can’t watch Kungfu Panda because then I would remember how much he loved this one too. I can’t look at things he used to love when he was here without breaking a little first, and a lot at night.

I don’t know when, or will I ever,

but I do hope there will come a day when at the memory of my abah, I would have stopped hurting so much.

The blue sky was so beautiful today, boh. And I pray, wherever you are now, you are in a greater place. 

 

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WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

kiahs
August 2014

So I showed Siang Yu my old photos. And he was in complete shock. Like genuine, unpretentious shock, which made me feel even worse honestly haha.

When was this photo taken?’

You look more lively back then.’

Now you are darker. And your face look dull.’

-____-‘

I just told him when I started my master everything just went downhill. I met a senior when I was putting Siang Yu’s culture in the incubator shaker.

You look pale.’

Your lips especially look pale.’

You look sick.’

-___________-‘

Phew. Take a deep breath, take a deep breath. Pale doesn’t necessarily mean bad, it could mean my tone has brightened up a bit. WHO.AM.I.KIDDING.

Okay.

I wasn’t very fair back then, then here means 3 years ago, see attached pic for reference bahaha. But my skin was at least better. It was even. Now I am so dark, and suddenly my long gone white spots made their comeback. I always knew they never really went away. They just stayed dormant until I am exposed to the sun again or when I wasn’t feeling well, then they’d pop!

Eyh, what happened to your face? Whoaaa! Your white spots are so significant!’

-_______________________-‘

I even have pimples now! T.T And they freaking formed scars that took forever to fade! And my blackheads have hit a new milestone. They are all so,so rude for popping on my nose, cheeks, forehead and chin. Not to forget the small, little pop-ups of extra meat. Completely no idea what they’re called, but people always say it’s because my cholesterol is high. Never really check. Good idea to go soon. My lips are darker now as well T.T They look as dark as my skin T___________T

Your eyes are always like that.’

Always like this? It’s always puffy?’

‘Yes. They are always like that.’ Make a circle under his eyes to point out how huge my dark circles and puffiness are. This Siang Yu is so honest I almost regretted showing him my old photos.

Sigh.

I lost 1000g wow that sounds a lot in gram bahaha. 1 kg. That’s all I’ve lost so far. Just sixteen more to go hahaha *nervous laugh*. I STILL HAVE SIXTEEN KGs TO GO TO REACH MY IDEAL WEIGHT OMG OMG OMG.

I agree. All of Siang Yu’s point–I agree. My skin is bad today. And it’s so sensitive! I have very prominent white spots that turn red when I walk under the sun. I would look so dark and oily and with red-white spots some more… I don’t look very nice hahaha. The itchiness on my hands got very bad sometimes, I unconsciously scratch them until they sting. I don’t know how or why but there are times when my hands will get a sudden itchiness and you can see dots on them.

Sigh again.

I do believe that everything that your skin projected has a lot to do with what you put inside your body, less likely what you apply on them–for me it is. I don’t really use products with strong chemicals. I don’t wear make ups. Okay. My make ups equal putting on the sunscreen and compact powder.[I think I got the wrong In2it shade for my compact because I look grey now -__-] And NYX lip cream matte because they’re so niceee. I’ve suffered irritations before and it is freaking not funny. I told you guysss, all the bad reactions I have now only start to appear when my weight started to increase exponentially over the years.

As soon as I land a job, I would sign up for membership at a local gym.

Bonne nuit!

And no, I am not being ungrateful. I have working legs, arms, eyes etc and I am grateful for them because a working body is a blessing. But I do believe that taking care of your body and realising the changes/damages you have done is one of the ways to be grateful too. In Islam, our body is an amanah, a trust. To look after one self is compulsory. I am writing this because I know my body, and I remember how it used to work. Realisation is the first step to making change. And I would love to change for the better, not just in spiritual change but in terms of health and look too.

Let’s live healthily for a loooong time InsyaAllah.

FROM SIX YEARS AGO

So this is the memory FB think I would like to remember..

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Who would have thought, six years later I had to witness my dad taking his last breath. I was there, I was there when he collapsed on his hospital bed. I arrived with the medicated oil he requested over the phone just 30 minutes ago. He closed his eyes the moment I entered his room, and he never opens them again. I wiped the sweats on his forehead, I called out his name many, many times. I just wanted him to look at me one last time. I just wanted him to know I was there, I brought his oil, why isn’t he responding anymore.

God.

And FB memory always comes up with all the conversations I had with aboh which I put as my statuses, there are many of them. It makes me miss him more, but it also brings a sense of comfort knowing when my dad was alive, I did take note of the things he’s said and done. We made a lot of phone calls to each other. I always hug him when I’m home. I always end the calls with I love youuu and would demand an ‘I love you too’ before he hangs up. I gave kisses on his cheeks three times every time I had to leave home again, and he counted them.

Today one kiss only? Usually three?’, and I would laugh before giving two more.

I couldn’t even look at jackfruit these days, because that was the fruit my dad always bought for me.

I bought your favourite fruit! In the fridge!,‘ and there were two packs of nangka.

‘I bought your favourite kuih!,’ and there were penerams on the table.

Kiah, for your birthday let’s go to chicken rice. I want to treat you nasi ayam this year!,’ and we went to TCRS in Aeon Big.

And every time I see durian crepe, I’d stare at it before walking away, not buying. Durian crepe (specifically at KLCC there, near Maybank) was his fav.

My dad was very garang, and I love him very, very much. See you on the other side, Boh!

LONE 2

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Just to clarify, I am not suicidal or depressed. I just like being alone more than being with a company sometimes (most of the time). But when I’m with someone, I am actually very clingy and funny and I sing the loudest too, you can ask Siang Yu and Al, hiks. I went out with Al today. If it wasn’t for the adhoc plan to watch movie, I would have sit on the carpeted floor in Borders longer. Books. Besides iced chocolate with whipped cream, book is my true love. I also bought a pack of two stickers for my planner because I cannot afford Letters to A Young Muslim yet. 

ps: Food is also true love. Just saying.

p/ps: And stationery. 

p/p/psAnd Padini. Of course Padini. 

ABUSIVE

I weighed myself today.

And I was shocked to see how far destructive I’ve been to myself.

No, extra fats on your abs and thigh and arms are not beautiful.

No, buying new clothes just to fit the new you is not okay.

No, triple chin is not pretty.

No, doing whatever you want eating however you like are not acceptable.

I dislike the ongoing campaigns on accepting and loving your body, regardless of how you look.

Don’t get me wrong, being born with whatever size of eyes, nose, face is okay. But by putting on weight or losing them the unhealthy way is NOT beautiful, guys.

I cringe when I look at ads of obviously obese people posing and a lengthy written caption on how we all should accept ourselves, love ourselves, obese or not, fat or skinny, or in other realistic way of putting it–

love yourselves cause oh, we don’t have much time don’t we?

Being obese IS NOT beautiful, it’s unhealthy, it’s damaging, you’re abusing yourself.

You might think you’re looking beautiful, I don’t argue with that, but by trying to put an impression that it is okay to look that way, I’m sorry. It’s not. You’re internally suffering, and please reconsider your loving yourself definition.

I started gaining weight exponentially four years ago. It started with few hundreds grams, then few kilograms, and it hasn’t stopped. Back then when I was in degree years, I was super active. Gaining 5kilos during semester break would only mean losing 7 when it reopens. I was always on the go and I was always somewhere doing outdoor. I wasn’t fair, I had burnt face all the time, but I know my body was healthy. It was fine, I was fit. I didn’t paint going up the stairs, my knees didn’t hurt, I didn’t have shortness of breath when I walked around all day, my skins were always dark but they weren’t sensitive, I didn’t get fatigue easily, I wasn’t losing hair, etc etc.

And now..

I’m sick, and no one to blame but me. I allowed myself to get this far and I know I should start correcting it. I am not obese but I am clearly borderline now. I know my body is not okay because I’ve been living with this for 26 years. I am unhealthy. I get sick very often. I always have headache. I always suffer stomach cramp. At the rate my hair is falling right now, I might be bald in no time. My skin is weird. My body is weird. My hormones are off.

God.

Why did it take me so long to finally realise I need to help myself?

Guys, I know your life is yours but do not be selfish. Take care of yourself and treasure your body in a healthy way.  Don’t go posing half nude showing all your extra extras and write ‘Love yourself. There is no fat people or skinny people. We’re all human.’ YES. But there’s sick human and healthy human, too. Don’t be stupid and say ideal people get sick too. Yes they do, but at least they try their best to care for their body. You don’t and yet you’re asking people to join your parade and agree with you. Body shaming is not alright yes, but you’re putting the shame on yourself if you fail to see that loving yourself only makes sense when you’re really putting an effort to do so.

Google the effects of being obese. At what percentage are we today? At what percentage does obese people are suffering and dying from serious health issues?

Take care, guys. Be beautiful by staying healthy.

Don’t go for skinny, or don’t go for ‘I am 200kilos and I’m beautiful’, go for ideal. Go for a better life. Don’t you want to be fit enough to care and spend time with your loved ones? Cause chances are, if I continue to live the way I do right now, I might not have much time.

 

VIVA VOCE

was awful.

But I’ve made it out alive, a lil bit heart broken, but ah, what’s done is done. So you guys learn from me, okay? NEVER PURSUE MASTER.   Ops sorry wrong advise. Never do things the last minute and be a millionaire before you pursue always have plans and stick to them! Always know when to stop and move on and have courage to speak up before it’s too late. Make sure you have sufficient time to produce a good thesis. Make sure you stop doing all your lab work and focus solely on writing because it sucks doing both. Make sure you check every word, every line, every paragraph, every page, basically everything.

I can’t change my past, I don’t even have the luxury to change anything one second ago but you guys can learn from me. Master is tough, the beginning was hard but the end was harder so yeah, I’m building muscles. Nonetheless, it was a journey to remember, just the journey not the viva I want to forget my viva I need to take pills. I’ve had the chance to learn and re-learn a lot of things, made friends with the coolest ones, shared fragments of silly and happy memories, hit some milestones, lost hairs, grey hairs, going quarterly bald, migraine attacks gazillion times, collected enough fats to survive Antarctica ohh the list goes on!

God, my journey doesn’t sound very appealing hahaha. No lah, by all means pursue if you want. Like all things in life, it has both the beautiful and the uglier sides hahaha. I’ve passed my viva with major corrections and it’s no shame telling it loud, I’ve shared so many random things about my journey and I feel like I owe it to you guys especially my #gengmakan and those who are kind enough not to unfriend me whenever I wrote a lengthy post ranting on my studies. Taking this opportunity to formally, ahem, thank everyone who’s been with me all this while I don’t think they have a choice I forced them to stay. I know some have silently followed me and prayed for me, whilst others generously lent their ears and money, so thank you. Thank you. The most important ones I already wrote in my thesis so no need mentioning also they should know who they are lah. 

I guess it’s FINALLY time to grow up, earn money, and pay my puluh2 ribu loans hahaha *nervous laugh*. It was all good in the end. Made it woohoo!

 

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I’m still alive but I’m barely breathingg #dramatic

[The night after viva, I received a call from Abah’s number. I felt my heart stopped. My mom was calling me using Abah’s phone because Abah had so much credit balance. How I wish. How I wish I could.

Boh, Kiah LULUS! ]