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kiah

We are all a little broken, and that is okay.

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FROM SIX YEARS AGO

So this is the memory FB think I would like to remember..

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Who would have thought, six years later I had to witness my dad taking his last breath. I was there, I was there when he collapsed on his hospital bed. I arrived with the medicated oil he requested over the phone just 30 minutes ago. He closed his eyes the moment I entered his room, and he never opens them again. I wiped the sweats on his forehead, I called out his name many, many times. I just wanted him to look at me one last time. I just wanted him to know I was there, I brought his oil, why isn’t he responding anymore.

God.

And FB memory always comes up with all the conversations I had with aboh which I put as my statuses, there are many of them. It makes me miss him more, but it also brings a sense of comfort knowing when my dad was alive, I did take note of the things he’s said and done. We made a lot of phone calls to each other. I always hug him when I’m home. I always end the calls with I love youuu and would demand an ‘I love you too’ before he hangs up. I gave kisses on his cheeks three times every time I had to leave home again, and he counted them.

Today one kiss only? Usually three?’, and I would laugh before giving two more.

I couldn’t even look at jackfruit these days, because that was the fruit my dad always bought for me.

I bought your favourite fruit! In the fridge!,‘ and there were two packs of nangka.

‘I bought your favourite kuih!,’ and there were penerams on the table.

Kiah, for your birthday let’s go to chicken rice. I want to treat you nasi ayam this year!,’ and we went to TCRS in Aeon Big.

And every time I see durian crepe, I’d stare at it before walking away, not buying. Durian crepe (specifically at KLCC there, near Maybank) was his fav.

My dad was very garang, and I love him very, very much. See you on the other side, Boh!

#3

Alangkah bagus jika kau boleh ambil hati aku,

pegang, sapu, dan pulangkan kembali.

Ada rindu yang takkan mati, membakar terus.

Akhirnya,

aku terbakar sama, atau menjadi abu,

yang akhirnya senyap malap.

Ada kasih yang tak terbagi,

sunyi.

Aku tidak lagi dapat bicara dengan orang paling aku kasih.

Cerita2 aku tertapis dilapisan tanah2 sedalam tujuh kaki nun didalam bumi.

Aku merindui semuanya,

dan sungguh,

sunyi rupanya tidak bergaduh kita..

Aku mahu kau ambil hati aku,

dan sapu.

Setiap debu2 yang menebal,

yang menghalang aku untuk merindu tanpa perlu melingkup jatuh dan sembunyi.

Tapi,

apa benar akan kau sudi?

Seingat aku dari balam memori semalam.

kau juga telah pergi.

 

VIVA VOCE

was awful.

But I’ve made it out alive, a lil bit heart broken, but ah, what’s done is done. So you guys learn from me, okay? NEVER PURSUE MASTER.   Ops sorry wrong advise. Never do things the last minute and be a millionaire before you pursue always have plans and stick to them! Always know when to stop and move on and have courage to speak up before it’s too late. Make sure you have sufficient time to produce a good thesis. Make sure you stop doing all your lab work and focus solely on writing because it sucks doing both. Make sure you check every word, every line, every paragraph, every page, basically everything.

I can’t change my past, I don’t even have the luxury to change anything one second ago but you guys can learn from me. Master is tough, the beginning was hard but the end was harder so yeah, I’m building muscles. Nonetheless, it was a journey to remember, just the journey not the viva I want to forget my viva I need to take pills. I’ve had the chance to learn and re-learn a lot of things, made friends with the coolest ones, shared fragments of silly and happy memories, hit some milestones, lost hairs, grey hairs, going quarterly bald, migraine attacks gazillion times, collected enough fats to survive Antarctica ohh the list goes on!

God, my journey doesn’t sound very appealing hahaha. No lah, by all means pursue if you want. Like all things in life, it has both the beautiful and the uglier sides hahaha. I’ve passed my viva with major corrections and it’s no shame telling it loud, I’ve shared so many random things about my journey and I feel like I owe it to you guys especially my #gengmakan and those who are kind enough not to unfriend me whenever I wrote a lengthy post ranting on my studies. Taking this opportunity to formally, ahem, thank everyone who’s been with me all this while I don’t think they have a choice I forced them to stay. I know some have silently followed me and prayed for me, whilst others generously lent their ears and money, so thank you. Thank you. The most important ones I already wrote in my thesis so no need mentioning also they should know who they are lah. 

I guess it’s FINALLY time to grow up, earn money, and pay my puluh2 ribu loans hahaha *nervous laugh*. It was all good in the end. Made it woohoo!

 

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I’m still alive but I’m barely breathingg #dramatic

[The night after viva, I received a call from Abah’s number. I felt my heart stopped. My mom was calling me using Abah’s phone because Abah had so much credit balance. How I wish. How I wish I could.

Boh, Kiah LULUS! ]

#1

I was somehow mad because I thought people did not get it. Forcing me to stop being sad, to not think about it too much, to get it over with and move on. It was not their fault that they did not understand, the one who died that night was my father not theirs. I cannot blame them for only knowing the rhythm of my laugh but not my tears. They do not know how to deal with sadness, but they are trying. And I think I like it that way. At the sound of abah, as how I used to address my father, I would teared up. My dad was my world and he was a brilliant listener. I am allowed to feel the way I feel because my dad was indeed someone who knew me very well. Some people came into your life and they took away pieces of you they never meant to return. You are also bound to remember all the little things and ache sometimes, but know that everything will pass. Like how happiness come and go, sadness will behave similarly as well. Nothing would ever prepare you for this. Losing your loved one is by far the most excruciating pain you could ever taste. Cry when you want, it is okay to feel sad. Remember them, they were a part of your life and you are not made to forget important people just like that. A lot of things will remind you of them, from the smell of the rain to the sight of their favourite dessert I know, but darling, life goes on.

Do not feel pressured to let go. Take the memories with you. When you feel sad, talk about it. If no one wants to listen or no one knows what to say, write them down. Write them down like me. Blank pages are sad people’s best friend. And eventually, I hope, things will–albeit slowly, get better.

After all, life means so much more because you know it is going to end someday. One day, it will be my time to go. And when it comes, I want to be remembered, if I get that at all, in decently fun ways.

Better days are coming, love. Take care.