MENYELAMATKAN DIRI

[Image: pinterest]

Aku harus menulis, untuk kekal mengasihi hidup aku harus.

Kau takkan pernah mengjangkakan kehidupan yang teruji, bukan?

Di hari semalam, hari ini yang kau bayangkan ialah hari yang mengujakan, manis, dipenuhi kasih sayang, kejayaan dan kehidupan yang lapang.

Tapi begitu janji Tuhan, tak ada yang tak teruji kerana hakikat yang kita lupa, seluruh hidup ini pinjaman dan ujian cuma.

Kau akan merasai pahit yang membuat matamu basah semalaman, dan hatimu akan dilitup gundah dan sayu.

Kau melihat awan dan kau merasa sendiri.

Hari2 ini akan membuatkan kau tertunduk, duduk dan menangis.

Air mata percuma

Tapi kau harus ingat–

Tidak ada yang kekal kecuali Tuhan.

Bagaimana gembira berganti pahit, yang perit juga akan berlalu.

Matahari akan tetap terbit, dan kau harus bersedia meninggalkan gelap semalam demi meraikan cahaya.

Tak ada yang mampu diubah lagi tentang hari lalu.

Hiduplah hari yang masih diberi, tanamkan hasil yang baik2.

Semoga esok sampai hari menuai, kita peroleh kekayaan abadi.

Sunyi, pergilah.

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KELABU

Langit kelabu,

Sesuram hati aku.

Setelah tiga belas bulan, kau fikir kau tak akan sesak mengenangnya lagi.

Tapi hari ini, kau harus memujuk diri dan menepuk bahu sendiri.

Jika kau tanyakan tentang hatiku, dan bagaimana keberadaannya, aku cuma mampu membalas–

Ia tak sama lagi.

Kehilangan, akan membawa bersama sebahagian hatimu tujuh kaki ke dalam bumi.

Bagaimana kau cuba untuk membuktikan yang kau kuat dan mampu menerus hidup dan dengan izinNya kau diberi daya,

hati kau takkan serupa lagi.

Kita tahu kita akan pergi jua,

dan bukanlah aku menangis kerana marahkan takdir yang tertulis oleh Yang Agung,

aku cuma rindu..

Kalaupun kau tidak mengenal sunyi ini, jangan diajuk hitam kelopak mataku.

Kelak kau jua akan merasai rindu begini, dan ketika itu, kau akan memandang mataku dan akhirnya– kau akan mengerti.

[Ihsan gambar: pinterest]

THE END OF AN ERA

Sounded too dramatic but at least that’s what I feel about this whole finishing master (finally) thingy. Assalamualaikum and I hope 2018 has been kind to everyone, as it did for me. In case you didn’t know already, I have officially submitted my final copies of thesis to my uni Jan 17th, 2018; 4 years 5 months after I registered. I can’t thank God enough for allowing this to happen, and I can’t thank so many people enough too for their sacrifices and help be it financially or emotionally. All in all, it was one hell of a journey and thank you everyone who has been directly or indirectly helpful and kind to me.

I made it very clear that this was not easy, heck it wasn’t, and I’m not really at a stage where I can feel ultimate happiness yet after my father’s death, but it was a nice, of course mixed, feeling, to finally be able to walk out of the Institute of Postgraduate Studies with four papers in my hand, conforming I’ve submitted. I will need to wait for senate approval but as of now, I am as free as I could ever be. Lots of headaches will come soon, what with applying for job, earning, paying loans and bills, take over my late father’s car, spoiling loved ones, spoiling myself haha, discovering moreeee things, being adult. 

Oh, adult. I have been one ages ago but I guess the moment I’m done with my studies, I need to be a real adult who is responsible, sophisticated, calm and compose, sharp, oh there’s apparently a lot of adult qualities one needs to possess. But let’s just start with finding a job first, k? Anyway, I’m spending my time at my sister’s at the moment. The nephew got sick. That wasn’t my reason of coming here though. I just thought that after this, I won’t be able to come here as often as I used or liked to because urm, being adult equals no more free weekdays hahaha. My uni was 3.5 hours away from my sister’s, and KL with the traffic is like 9, so urm, no thank you. We see each other when they come to KL lah later. The kids have been fun (and crazy!). But it’s all love and with love, you can deal with loads of crazy things.

There’s a gazillion things I’m going to (or already are) miss. Most of them are little things that keep me sane, like teatime at the mamak, late night nasi lemak trip to another mamak, late night ice cream trip to McD, late night drive with my friends going to places and just making turns and talk a lot, like a  lot. Those adhoc decisions to ditch work and go outing. Those horror movies we watched and I might or might not have hurt my friends when the ghost came out. Discussing our negative results, making fun of it, crying together and then go to pasar malam for ayam goreng uncle best. Oh, my uni life revolved around food so much (but my real life also not much different tehee). I have so many things to write about. This blog is my place for all things high and low, but it’s been very, extremely, crazily busy these past few months (or laziness kicked in way too many times). But I promise to keep on updating (and not deleting) religiously this year, just to really document one year of my life. Good luck, Kiah. Write again later my sister’s awake.

 

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Started new year with a flight to Penang, hot chocolate and this poetry book my sister belanja.

 

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This girl needs to;

  1. Lose weight
  2. Lose weight
  3. Lose weight
  4. Job
  5. Take care of my bad, bad skin
  6. Spoil my mom
  7. Be very happy

Thank you for reading, whoever and wherever you are!

THE END, OF MY VERY COLOURFUL (and painful) MASTER JOURNEY.

 

FROM SIX YEARS AGO

So this is the memory FB think I would like to remember..

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Who would have thought, six years later I had to witness my dad taking his last breath. I was there, I was there when he collapsed on his hospital bed. I arrived with the medicated oil he requested over the phone just 30 minutes ago. He closed his eyes the moment I entered his room, and he never opens them again. I wiped the sweats on his forehead, I called out his name many, many times. I just wanted him to look at me one last time. I just wanted him to know I was there, I brought his oil, why isn’t he responding anymore.

God.

And FB memory always comes up with all the conversations I had with aboh which I put as my statuses, there are many of them. It makes me miss him more, but it also brings a sense of comfort knowing when my dad was alive, I did take note of the things he’s said and done. We made a lot of phone calls to each other. I always hug him when I’m home. I always end the calls with I love youuu and would demand an ‘I love you too’ before he hangs up. I gave kisses on his cheeks three times every time I had to leave home again, and he counted them.

Today one kiss only? Usually three?’, and I would laugh before giving two more.

I couldn’t even look at jackfruit these days, because that was the fruit my dad always bought for me.

I bought your favourite fruit! In the fridge!,‘ and there were two packs of nangka.

‘I bought your favourite kuih!,’ and there were penerams on the table.

Kiah, for your birthday let’s go to chicken rice. I want to treat you nasi ayam this year!,’ and we went to TCRS in Aeon Big.

And every time I see durian crepe, I’d stare at it before walking away, not buying. Durian crepe (specifically at KLCC there, near Maybank) was his fav.

My dad was very garang, and I love him very, very much. See you on the other side, Boh!