Just to clarify, I am not suicidal or depressed. I just like being alone more than being with a company sometimes (most of the time). But when I’m with someone, I am actually very clingy and funny and I sing the loudest too, you can ask Siang Yu and Al, hiks. I went out with Al today. If it wasn’t for the adhoc plan to watch movie, I would have sit on the carpeted floor in Borders longer. Books. Besides iced chocolate with whipped cream, book is my true love. I also bought a pack of two stickers for my planner because I cannot afford Letters to A Young Muslim yet. 

ps: Food is also true love. Just saying.

p/ps: And stationery. 

p/p/psAnd Padini. Of course Padini. 



I weighed myself today.

And I was shocked to see how far destructive I’ve been to myself.

No, extra fats on your abs and thigh and arms are not beautiful.

No, buying new clothes just to fit the new you is not okay.

No, triple chin is not pretty.

No, doing whatever you want eating however you like are not acceptable.

I dislike the ongoing campaigns on accepting and loving your body, regardless of how you look.

Don’t get me wrong, being born with whatever size of eyes, nose, face is okay. But by putting on weight or losing them the unhealthy way is NOT beautiful, guys.

I cringe when I look at ads of obviously obese people posing and a lengthy written caption on how we all should accept ourselves, love ourselves, obese or not, fat or skinny, or in other realistic way of putting it–

love yourselves cause oh, we don’t have much time don’t we?

Being obese IS NOT beautiful, it’s unhealthy, it’s damaging, you’re abusing yourself.

You might think you’re looking beautiful, I don’t argue with that, but by trying to put an impression that it is okay to look that way, I’m sorry. It’s not. You’re internally suffering, and please reconsider your loving yourself definition.

I started gaining weight exponentially four years ago. It started with few hundreds grams, then few kilograms, and it hasn’t stopped. Back then when I was in degree years, I was super active. Gaining 5kilos during semester break would only mean losing 7 when it reopens. I was always on the go and I was always somewhere doing outdoor. I wasn’t fair, I had burnt face all the time, but I know my body was healthy. It was fine, I was fit. I didn’t paint going up the stairs, my knees didn’t hurt, I didn’t have shortness of breath when I walked around all day, my skins were always dark but they weren’t sensitive, I didn’t get fatigue easily, I wasn’t losing hair, etc etc.

And now..

I’m sick, and no one to blame but me. I allowed myself to get this far and I know I should start correcting it. I am not obese but I am clearly borderline now. I know my body is not okay because I’ve been living with this for 26 years. I am unhealthy. I get sick very often. I always have headache. I always suffer stomach cramp. At the rate my hair is falling right now, I might be bald in no time. My skin is weird. My body is weird. My hormones are off.


Why did it take me so long to finally realise I need to help myself?

Guys, I know your life is yours but do not be selfish. Take care of yourself and treasure your body in a healthy way.  Don’t go posing half nude showing all your extra extras and write ‘Love yourself. There is no fat people or skinny people. We’re all human.’ YES. But there’s sick human and healthy human, too. Don’t be stupid and say ideal people get sick too. Yes they do, but at least they try their best to care for their body. You don’t and yet you’re asking people to join your parade and agree with you. Body shaming is not alright yes, but you’re putting the shame on yourself if you fail to see that loving yourself only makes sense when you’re really putting an effort to do so.

Google the effects of being obese. At what percentage are we today? At what percentage does obese people are suffering and dying from serious health issues?

Take care, guys. Be beautiful by staying healthy.

Don’t go for skinny, or don’t go for ‘I am 200kilos and I’m beautiful’, go for ideal. Go for a better life. Don’t you want to be fit enough to care and spend time with your loved ones? Cause chances are, if I continue to live the way I do right now, I might not have much time.



Alangkah bagus jika kau boleh ambil hati aku,

pegang, sapu, dan pulangkan kembali.

Ada rindu yang takkan mati, membakar terus.


aku terbakar sama, atau menjadi abu,

yang akhirnya senyap malap.

Ada kasih yang tak terbagi,


Aku tidak lagi dapat bicara dengan orang paling aku kasih.

Cerita2 aku tertapis dilapisan tanah2 sedalam tujuh kaki nun didalam bumi.

Aku merindui semuanya,

dan sungguh,

sunyi rupanya tidak bergaduh kita..

Aku mahu kau ambil hati aku,

dan sapu.

Setiap debu2 yang menebal,

yang menghalang aku untuk merindu tanpa perlu melingkup jatuh dan sembunyi.


apa benar akan kau sudi?

Seingat aku dari balam memori semalam.

kau juga telah pergi.



was awful.

But I’ve made it out alive, a lil bit heart broken, but ah, what’s done is done. So you guys learn from me, okay? NEVER PURSUE MASTER.   Ops sorry wrong advise. Never do things the last minute and be a millionaire before you pursue always have plans and stick to them! Always know when to stop and move on and have courage to speak up before it’s too late. Make sure you have sufficient time to produce a good thesis. Make sure you stop doing all your lab work and focus solely on writing because it sucks doing both. Make sure you check every word, every line, every paragraph, every page, basically everything.

I can’t change my past, I don’t even have the luxury to change anything one second ago but you guys can learn from me. Master is tough, the beginning was hard but the end was harder so yeah, I’m building muscles. Nonetheless, it was a journey to remember, just the journey not the viva I want to forget my viva I need to take pills. I’ve had the chance to learn and re-learn a lot of things, made friends with the coolest ones, shared fragments of silly and happy memories, hit some milestones, lost hairs, grey hairs, going quarterly bald, migraine attacks gazillion times, collected enough fats to survive Antarctica ohh the list goes on!

God, my journey doesn’t sound very appealing hahaha. No lah, by all means pursue if you want. Like all things in life, it has both the beautiful and the uglier sides hahaha. I’ve passed my viva with major corrections and it’s no shame telling it loud, I’ve shared so many random things about my journey and I feel like I owe it to you guys especially my #gengmakan and those who are kind enough not to unfriend me whenever I wrote a lengthy post ranting on my studies. Taking this opportunity to formally, ahem, thank everyone who’s been with me all this while I don’t think they have a choice I forced them to stay. I know some have silently followed me and prayed for me, whilst others generously lent their ears and money, so thank you. Thank you. The most important ones I already wrote in my thesis so no need mentioning also they should know who they are lah. 

I guess it’s FINALLY time to grow up, earn money, and pay my puluh2 ribu loans hahaha *nervous laugh*. It was all good in the end. Made it woohoo!



I’m still alive but I’m barely breathingg #dramatic

[The night after viva, I received a call from Abah’s number. I felt my heart stopped. My mom was calling me using Abah’s phone because Abah had so much credit balance. How I wish. How I wish I could.

Boh, Kiah LULUS! ]

Here we go

On my way to Penang. My long awaited viva voce is up this Friday. God knows how much I anticipated this day to come. I am equally nervous and excited. I went to visit my father’s grave. He can’t respond anymore I know, and I can’t ask him for pocket money and prayers; but I needed to talk to him..

Pray for me, okay? I’ll see you guys soon. Whatever happens, life goes on. I am expecting some scoldings because I know my thesis was rushly written and the formatting was off. Gotta walk in extra prepared so I won’t lose it aha.

Five hours journey begins now!