I was somehow mad because I thought people did not get it. Forcing me to stop being sad, to not think about it too much, to get it over with and move on. It was not their fault that they did not understand, the one who died that night was my father not theirs. I cannot blame them for only knowing the rhythm of my laugh but not my tears. They do not know how to deal with sadness, but they are trying. And I think I like it that way. At the sound of abah, as how I used to address my father, I would teared up. My dad was my world and he was a brilliant listener. I am allowed to feel the way I feel because my dad was indeed someone who knew me very well. Some people came into your life and they took away pieces of you they never meant to return. You are also bound to remember all the little things and ache sometimes, but know that everything will pass. Like how happiness come and go, sadness will behave similarly as well. Nothing would ever prepare you for this. Losing your loved one is by far the most excruciating pain you could ever taste. Cry when you want, it is okay to feel sad. Remember them, they were a part of your life and you are not made to forget important people just like that. A lot of things will remind you of them, from the smell of the rain to the sight of their favourite dessert I know, but darling, life goes on.
Do not feel pressured to let go. Take the memories with you. When you feel sad, talk about it. If no one wants to listen or no one knows what to say, write them down. Write them down like me. Blank pages are sad people’s best friend. And eventually, I hope, things will–albeit slowly, get better.
After all, life means so much more because you know it is going to end someday. One day, it will be my time to go. And when it comes, I want to be remembered, if I get that at all, in decently fun ways.
Better days are coming, love. Take care.